I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That accounts for only three of the penises
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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