she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
