frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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