I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
