I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
