It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
