blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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