I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
