woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
