If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
