You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
