I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
