i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
