My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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