I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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