Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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