Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
