I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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