he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
