apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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