how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
