I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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