Apparently you make a good broom.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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