if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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