My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
