I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
