I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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