I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize