My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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