I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
