Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
