I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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