a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We are all done wearing pants today
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
