dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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