I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize