just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
