A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
40s are totally the cure
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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