We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
