Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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