$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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