Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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