I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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