I met the friendliest cop last night
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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