In America we eat man semen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
