ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
