five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
