You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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