hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
