i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
