i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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