you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
