apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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