last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
