Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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