mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
