So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
