just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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