well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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