I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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