the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
